Super Tanooki 2D Skin Super Review

Super Mario 3D Land is coming this Friday November 18, a day when anyone who likes Nintendo will surely be playing another release – Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games. The platformer is currently available for fat Americans, who seem to think that the inclusion of the Tanooki suit for the first time in 23 years makes up for the game being a Mario reskin of Crash Bandicoot. Reskinning, however, has become a bit of an issue for Mario.

Animal rights blowhards PETA took exception to Mario gaining a flight romper suit from a magical leaf, and have thus fought back against leaf abuse with their own terrible game. Their depiction of Mario skull fucking a decapitated rodent was maybe a bit extreme though.

This is how the game opens. Pressing the space bar to jump is the only instruction you need, given that it is the only mechanic in the game. You take control of…a horned…is he wearing lederhosen? So you take control of a horned German and chase a be-furred Mario through a bloodied terror-scape, so far so fantastic.

Things take a turn for the sinister, with a jump revealing the German character giving into his biological instincts and saluting like any English football fan when Germany are involved in anyway in anything. MUSHROOM KINGDOM ÜBER ALLES. It is also the point we notice the tiny pencil moustache on our character and realise the full scope of PETA’s satirical petard.

PETA you diabolical…their true message, masterfully subtle though it was, cannot escape us. PETA are declaring that all animals are like Hitler, and it is the most scathing satire of animals to be had in this century. Perhaps of all centuries, it is certainly up there with Animal Farm and Garfield.

These are the pipes that Mario games are famous for. Sonic had pipes too, in some levels. There was a lot of stuff going on for Sonic, he wasn’t just relying on pipes as his only gimmick. He had rings. And his devil may care attitude. And…em…say notice how you have to pick up gold coins? Like jew gold? Very anti-semitic, PETA.

This is the game over screen, in case you were wondering what that looked like. If you’ve played the game you will know, due to dying every second in cruel and unfair ways, like Jewish people in Nazi Germany. You most certainly will not want to “***PLAY AGAIN***”.

When Tanazi finally catches Mario, he covers him in a ball of gas, and says his Jewish skin is the equivalent of an animals, effectively comparing him to a rat. Troubling, PETA, troubling.

Now Tanazi has his full SS uniform, and sets off to institute a thousand year Reich.

We played this game more than anyone on the planet, (for about 3 minutes), and can say the insidious pro nazi propaganda element is far less insulting than the retarded gameplay, consisting of a broken jump mechanic and nothing else. It is more fun to watch the animal abuse video just below the game. Game of the year so far, 7/10. When we say PETA ARE A NAZI ORGANIZATION, we can do so safely protected by the same fair use laws that allow them to use trademarked characters for their own white nationalist ends. However, we feel humbled by CVG’s take on the game, that showed both us and PETA what satire is.

Comedy ledges.

Rim the Sky

We couldn’t garner the enthusiasm to leave the house at midnight if it was on fire. And thanks to a hefty collection of shoddily made Gouranga themed candles we got strong armed into buying by aggressively pushy monks with a meditation spa to fund, it constantly is.

You people though. You bloody people. These scenes come from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim midnight launch, where a woman was paid to stand near some husky children and feign enthusiasm for Call of Duty with swords. She has three kids and is being made to walk the streets at midnight because you had to have your dungeons and dragons NOW. That sword got stolen on one of the two night buses she had to take home, and came out of her salary. Look at yourself.

That’s right, he’s holding a fold up chair, he waited long enough to necessitate a fold up chair. And he’s wearing a fedora. Just like the cartoon character on his bag. Posting furry porn is preferable to having to look at games in 2011. But hey! it’s all in good fun!

It wouldn’t be right to mock teenagers unsure of their identities and finding escape in fiction.

But these people are easily the wrong side of 30.

DC Universe ™ Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system – DAY ONE

DC Universe ™ Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system is an MMORPG that released last year to high prices and consumer indifference. You can imagine the delight of the people responsible for those trademark symbols as they prepped to release a product that appealed to nerds who like World of Warcraft ® ™ and people who like Superman ® ™. Predictably, this did not double their market, as those two classes of spastic nerds are in fact just the one person, thereby halving their sales, if our mathS is/are correct.

Nobody bought it, despite not even having to leave their house. Now DC Universe ™ Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system has failed to meet its targets, and has gone free to play, which delighted us, as we’re nothing if not poor. Besides registered sex offenders. We often feign diabetes at lunch time so people will buy us Mars Bars ™, that’s how poor we’re talking. And it works too! Alright, once. Then they asked for the money every day until we stopped going to work, so they would stop asking us for the money.

The point is, we will be undertaking a review of DC Universe ™ Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system for free, making a morbidly obese character with fart powers, and farting on people who payed for the £200 lifetime subscription. Farter_Sniffmaass, Gaseous-Gay and FlatulentBrown are all possible names. Comment with YOUR suggestions!

We’ll keep you posted.

Modern WHORE-FARE (?)

Sorry for the absence, publishing those Wolf O’Donnell pictures counted as a “third strike” for us. But we got out in time for the gaming release of the year – Sonic Generations! We missed the midnight launch, as being out after 6pm is a breach of parole, but a fascinating mix of nerds, idiots and celebrities being paid to pretend to like it were there in our place.

After a mental drunken bet with his hi-larious friends, Danny Wallace married a soldier then hosted this event, which appears to be Modern Warfare 3, and NOT Sonic Generations. Which explains the interest from the media, celebrities and people in general.

For example, 2007’s breakout artist Katie Melua was in attendance, who looks like she smells fantastic. After your third strike, you go back to zero and have another three strikes to blow, so we’re ok to speculate on how Katie Melua, and at least two other women, might smell.

J/K LOL. In all seriousness, the above is a SATIRICAL threat on a woman's life.

The picture caption is OBVIOUSLY a satire on how people on the internet objectify women. And like any good internet gaming blog/ major news site, and shit ones like Kotaku, now we’ve leered like the level 2 Rattattas we are, we can get on with the requisite hating on Modern Warfare 3, without having played it.

It seems like a misstep to sell military hardware porn to children, and for it to be the biggest entertainment event ever. It’s exactly what I, Robot (the movie) warned us would happen. 9 dead Iraqi civilians out of 10. We went the IGN route and score our games based on civilian casualties, with their 20 point “Collateral Damage” scale.

Mature gaming for mature gamers. More like MANURE gaming for MANURE gamers.

Enjoy the post, wank aficionados. You aren’t reading this because the hi-def ladies/ hi def furry porn is either side of this message, and your monitor is caked in semen.

STAR FAUX 64 3D

Star Fox six hundred and forty three, D, the upcoming remake of Star Fox Game Watch, the 1993 time piece/game combination title, found free inside promotional boxes of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, has been slated for release this coming 9/11, 9^th of November.  Controversially, the game has moved platform, and is no longer on the best selling console, “a watch”, and is instead slated for release on the 3DS, which you can now get at the “bargain price” of £129.99, due to FAILURE.

With advanced time relay technology and innovative LCD lights, the success of watches is easy to understand.

The new game sees a radical style change for the series, with the franchise’s earlier staple, the time, being completely removed.

And this is "better", is it?

The game has an array of new features never before found in the Star Fox series, such as Barrel Rolls, inverting the Y axis with one button and spaceships. Why would anyone need to invert the Y- axis at all, never mind frequently enough to warrant its own button on the d-pad?

Also added are side quests which play out like a dating sim with RPG elements and a branching storyline, with eight different endings, most of which involve orgasm.

Screen shots confirm fan favorite Wolf O’Donnell will return in this game.

As you may remember, Wolf was the leader of the rival pilot team, Star Wolf, a band of mercenary pilots hired by Andross to stop Star Fox, before they team up for one final bash.

The above screen shots, one of fox pulling his buttocks apart to expose his anus, and the other, portraying fox as what some may call a “cum-dumpster”, are in no way symbolic of Nintendo’s business stratagem with regards to franchises or longtime fans. Nor do the images represent the company itself, in a sick metaphor for the Virtual Boy-esque tanking of the 3DS and dissapointment over the WiiU being a tablet, and being actually called the WiiU. THAT WOULD BE MORE OF A STRECH THAN FOX’S ANUS.

Peppy and Slippy’s look of despondent shock  is not in the debasing of their ally and friend, but rather that an article about Star Fox managed not to incorporate the phrase “Do a barrel roll!”

Well, almost. It is good to be back and functioning as a gay furry porn blog. Next time: The Biker Mice From Mars go hell for leather!

Chu-shite, chu-shite, chu-shite

Ask anyone who knows anything about games, and they will tell you that the biggest problem in the industry today is the never-ending slew of eccentric Japanese game developers taking massive risks on their mental games where you roll up household items into universe eclipsing balls, or control a man-train of naked, oiled body builders and polar bears as they smash through office buildings, trying to tackle an American footballer.

Everything that is wrong with games.

The best console ever, the Playstation 2, was sadly tarnished and burdened with these types of games, but luckily you couldn’t find them anywhere, because Fifa and whatever that weeks really awesome first person shooter was covered the shelf space. The worst console ever, the Dreamcast, was covered in them, and thankfully killed off by the PS2. HEADSHOT!

A gay game that Dreamcast owners love.

Knowing that their relationship with the Dreamcast was a dead weight guaranteed to drown them, the developers of L.O.L: Lack of Love, (which involves enough evolving robots that urinate to warrant its own article) entered into an exciting marriage with Sony, becoming pregnant with strange ideas and confusion over cryptic PS2 coding circa 2001.

The Nintendo Polystation had ground breaking Digital Stereo, but was notoriously hard to pr-wait a minute...

The team at Punchline produced Chulip, after director Yoshirou Kimura was inspired by the public displays of affection he witnessed in the west, a phenomenon unseen in Japan, and also wanted to make a game that dealt with social issues, such as poverty and truancy. In the end, they developed Chulip, a game which plays similarly to Harvest Moon or Animal Crossing. You assume the role of a young man who has moved into Long Life Town with his father.

It seems expensive, but by today's exchange rate it costs 1000 bells.

With Dad still paying Mom and his second ex wife a hefty alimony, money for food is tight, to the point where you will have to indulge in a spot of what is colloquially known as “midgey raking”.

Who throws their shit in a bin? Unbagged too. Unbagged feces in a bin. Phone the council, get the man.

You see, the object of the game is to strengthen your weak heart, not through exercise or medicine, but through kissing as many of the townsfolk of Long Life Town as possible, in the hopes that your heart will then be strong enough to write an adequate love letter to scarlet woman Hussy.

In our experience (none), women called Hussy, Tramp, Slapper or Hoe are bad news.

We don’t know why though, Hussy is a bit of a bitch.

I know where you live.

We give the game credit for it’s realism though, as Hussy says exactly what every other woman we have ever loved without speaking to first (all of them) tells us.

No! It's the trouser material, it just LOOKS like it's that!

So the bulk of the gameplay revolves around finding the townspeople you have to kiss, and then figuring out what conditions you have to fulfill in order to kiss them. Sometimes it’s as simple as sneaking up on an unsuspecting bin dwellling grump…

Olly the Grump is legally distinct

…then kissing them in space….

Olly, no!

Which will give you the money to make rent.

Just until we finish college, honest.

The “bag with non denominational money symbol” is a nice change from the way we are usually payed, balled up singles inside a used condom.

And sometimes you have to move a boulder off some train tracks before a knock off of a beloved childhood favorite will give up the sugar.

I Like you, you are fond of me (8)

What better way to impress Hussy by kissing old men in front of her?

 

This works in real life too.

Disney's The Rocketeer.

The game has an internal clock, so you have to catch people at certain times of day, as well as sleep at night and pay your extortionate rent monthly.

We don't have that kind of open relationship with Dad. When he asks us how we are, we ALWAYS say fine, even though sometimes we aren't. 😦

Why did we kiss in front of that news team!?

Ironically, for a game based on an idea taken entirely from the western idea of public displays of affection, the game never made it to these shores until 2007, five years after the initial Japanese release. It doesn’t hold up to the vast improvements that came afterwards in the kissing-adventure genre, especially the pinnacle of Hugglecaust 3: Return to Auskisstz, but as a history lesson, the charming, muppet “inspired” characters and excellent music, sometimes upbeat and catchy, sometimes genuinely haunting, are better than being shown the motion picture Braveheart and being told to take it as fact.

The Wagglan Giant

What’s this? An actual blog post? after almost a full month of inactivity? Yes. Shut up.

Now, keeping with our “tag every post with 3DS” theme, I’d like to talk today about Nintendo. Not the 3DS, of course, don’t be absurd. I’m going to talk about the rumoured new console to be announced at E3.

Now, aside from the fact that the rumours are definitely true because they mentioned they were working on it at LAST E3 meaning the rumours are probably accurate about it being announced, there are some flaws that keep popping up in them.

The console will not feature a controller with an HD screen in it. That is expensive, silly and pointless. Nintendo aren’t Microsoft so those things aren’t selling points to them. You’d have to be a big enough chump to trade a ps3 for a 360 to believe that kind of rumour.

Another rumour is that it will “be made to bring back the hardcore gamer”, this I approve of, of course, if only to spite the casuals. “Why can’t I play cooking mama and the secret rings?” they’ll ask. “Because Mario Zelda Kirby Donkey Kong, bitch”

“But all those games were on the wii”, you’ll reply. “But you’re a cunt” I’ll respond.

Now I could rant on and on about how gaming in the past was much better than it is today, like gaming was Britain or something. And I will!

Did you grow up in the 80s or 90s? Then surely you’ll know that 2D platformers are far better than generic WWII sims right? Where every game has you control a camera with a gun taped on shooting the bad guys?

-This does not apply if you grew up in the 80s or 90s but started playing games in the ps2 era because Grand Theft Auto. You’re part of the problem, go away.

One final point I’d like to discuss is the name. Now I know the rumours are baseless as it is, and even if PROJECT CAFE or WII HD are really leaked from nintendo and not made up by neckbeards, they’ll still only be codenames for the system. Project DOLPHIN was real, after all.

Call it the Super Wii, Nintendo, you know you want to.

3DS UNSUITABLE FOR USE BY ANYONE

An update? That actually justifies use of the ‘3DS’ tag?

The Sun newspaper have undertaken a scientific experiment, probing the safety of the 3DS.

The opening scene of an innumerable amount of German “mature domination” pornography. The dialogue is the usual European raunch:

Jorgen: It’s my testicles, doctor, I found a lump on them.
Doctor: Well, that could be very serious. Pop your trousers and pants off and let’s take a look.
Jorgen: What do you think doctor?
Doctor: Yes, your testicles ARE very swollen. When was the last time you emptied them?
Jorgen: Oh heavens! Doctor Cooper, I…
Doctor: My prescription is SUCK MUMMY’S FINGER!
Jorgen: MMM…
Doctor: Make it wet, next it’s going UP YOUR DICK!

Sometimes we feel we go too far.

We assume there was a scene where they moved out to the car, and the cross eyes indicate Dr Cooper is below frame receiving the vinegar shot. Maybe they were just in the car, with no continuity, doing a different position all of a sudden. Porns do that sometimes, presumably when they get kicked out of a location before having filmed the cum-shot.

Just one more image left, you can do it!

“Seriously though Jorgen,” the doctor said softly, tugging the last globules of semen from the man’s phallus, letting the droplets fall, like snowflakes onto her ample bosom, “this could be testicular microlithiasis. Come back on Monday for a test.”

Also, is he playing it whilst walking down the street?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3511602/Sun-tests-sickly-Nintendo-3DS.html

Here’s a link to their factually questionable article, which by acknowledging, frees us from facing any potential litigious action. Hopefully.

Resident Weeaboo

As we all know by now, everything good in our world comes from the island nation of Japan. Everything. From video games to Japanese women to toxic nuclear waste capable of travelling the entire world, it all originates in the land of the rising sun.

Today, I intend to discuss another product of the only country that matters since ours became a third world slum. This time, it will be Anime.

Yes, anime, like the disgusting little Japanophile I am. Now you may think anime refers to your favourite childhood shows, Pokémon, Digimon and Dragonball Z. And you’d be right, because those are brilliant. However, that is what’s known as “mainstream” in the indie-chic world of Japanese Animation. This rant was inspired by a show which I saw mere hours ago, and have still only seen the first episode of. “Kore wa Zombie desu ka?”, which I believe translates to “Korean Zombie Desk car”.

The first few moments before the opening theme, the anime seems fairly normal. The main character walks out of his home, casually telling a girl who is dressed in full battle-armour that he is leaving. Then he goes to school and has a fairly normal day.

After school, our protagonist then begins the walk home. So far, fairly generic stuff, right? Nothing you haven’t seen in your typical harem bullshit.

Then he see’s a little cat about to get hit by a van! Our dashing hero charges out, determined to see this cat survive. He leaps into action!

Fairly heroic, you might think. But then it hits you. “Hang on, our strapping cat-saviour is about to be hit by that truck. He’ll Die!”. And that would make sense, if this were not an anime. However, as it is, this happens instead. Everything goes in slow motion, the truck almost hits our hero, who turns toward the camera and reveals.

Oh Japan, if any other country tried to make this nonsense, they’d fall on their arses because of the sheer absurdity.(We’re looking at you, China. Growing economy or not, you’re not nearly crazy enough to make this shit up).

This is just the beginning however, all this has happened before the show’s opening theme has even played, there’s still so much more ground to cover, and I’m already approaching 400 words.

Following the opening scene, we are quickly given the following plot summary.

So after all this nonsense is over, you might feel you have a basic grasp of what’s going on. You don’t, shut up!

We are then introduced to a character, who’s name escapes me at the moment and I care not to look it up, while our leading man is hanging around in a graveyard(because he’s a zombie, you know). This young girl then leaps towards our protagonist, pink chainsaw in hand, and nearly slices him in half. Before he has time to respond to this however, he is impaled by the claws of a giant bear.

Now, this is running on a bit, so I’ll skip the majority of the episode with a brief summary. The main character absorbs the girl’s superpowers(aka. how to wear a pink dress and wield a chainsaw) and then is stalked by a scary looking motherfucker. The aforementioned motherfucker then confronts him in the classroom. Here is our hero’s first real battle, but wait…the guy is transforming! What is this?!

That’s right, he’s a giant lobster, why the fuck not? So as you might imagine, our hero easily defeats the villainous lobster, but is blown outside the school window in doing so, and all his classmates see him in his pink dress and with his giant chainsaw. Now this has happened to us all at some point, but when it happened to me, it was before the days of cell phones, so my classmates weren’t able to take pictures at least. He, however, was less fortunate. And the episode ends.

Let this almost 700 word rant tell you everything you need to know about the Japanese and their brilliance. This is the antiquince, signing off.

BAN THIS DICK FILTH

Didactic moralizing. That’s how we’ll get popular!

Didactic moralizing and “memes” that were never very popular in the first place. That’s how we’ll get popular.

Saints Row: The Third is a sick computerized rape simulation that teaches your children to have sex with gimp prostitutes, then beat them to death with disgustingly oversized male genitals (penis and testicles), and KILLING THEM to get your money back in order to score “bonus points”.

The twisted rape simulation also shows a man-whore who is being kept alive and is forced to masturbate over the carnage, while images of naked children intermittently flash on screen.

The Japanese game has been announced after the disaster ravaged country sent toxic nuclear gas through the cracks of BROKEN BRITAIN. Only our MPs can stop this paedo filth from doing the same.