Super Mario 3D Land is coming this Friday November 18, a day when anyone who likes Nintendo will surely be playing another release – Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games. The platformer is currently available for fat Americans, who seem to think that the inclusion of the Tanooki suit for the first time in 23 years makes up for the game being a Mario reskin of Crash Bandicoot. Reskinning, however, has become a bit of an issue for Mario.
Animal rights blowhards PETA took exception to Mario gaining a flight romper suit from a magical leaf, and have thus fought back against leaf abuse with their own terrible game. Their depiction of Mario skull fucking a decapitated rodent was maybe a bit extreme though.
This is how the game opens. Pressing the space bar to jump is the only instruction you need, given that it is the only mechanic in the game. You take control of…a horned…is he wearing lederhosen? So you take control of a horned German and chase a be-furred Mario through a bloodied terror-scape, so far so fantastic.
Things take a turn for the sinister, with a jump revealing the German character giving into his biological instincts and saluting like any English football fan when Germany are involved in anyway in anything. MUSHROOM KINGDOM ÜBER ALLES. It is also the point we notice the tiny pencil moustache on our character and realise the full scope of PETA’s satirical petard.
PETA you diabolical…their true message, masterfully subtle though it was, cannot escape us. PETA are declaring that all animals are like Hitler, and it is the most scathing satire of animals to be had in this century. Perhaps of all centuries, it is certainly up there with Animal Farm and Garfield.
These are the pipes that Mario games are famous for. Sonic had pipes too, in some levels. There was a lot of stuff going on for Sonic, he wasn’t just relying on pipes as his only gimmick. He had rings. And his devil may care attitude. And…em…say notice how you have to pick up gold coins? Like jew gold? Very anti-semitic, PETA.
This is the game over screen, in case you were wondering what that looked like. If you’ve played the game you will know, due to dying every second in cruel and unfair ways, like Jewish people in Nazi Germany. You most certainly will not want to “***PLAY AGAIN***”.
When Tanazi finally catches Mario, he covers him in a ball of gas, and says his Jewish skin is the equivalent of an animals, effectively comparing him to a rat. Troubling, PETA, troubling.
Now Tanazi has his full SS uniform, and sets off to institute a thousand year Reich.
We played this game more than anyone on the planet, (for about 3 minutes), and can say the insidious pro nazi propaganda element is far less insulting than the retarded gameplay, consisting of a broken jump mechanic and nothing else. It is more fun to watch the animal abuse video just below the game. Game of the year so far, 7/10. When we say PETA ARE A NAZI ORGANIZATION, we can do so safely protected by the same fair use laws that allow them to use trademarked characters for their own white nationalist ends. However, we feel humbled by CVG’s take on the game, that showed both us and PETA what satire is.