DC Universe ™ Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system – DAY ONE

DC Universe  Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 home console computer system is an MMORPG that released last year to high prices and consumer indifference. You can imagine the delight of the people responsible for those trademark symbols as they prepped to release a product that appealed to nerds who like World of Warcraft ® and people who like Superman ® ™. Predictably, this did not double their market, as those two classes of spastic nerds are in fact just the one person, thereby halving their sales, if our mathS is/are correct.

Nobody bought it, despite not even having to leave their house. Now DC Universe  Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system has failed to meet its targets, and has gone free to play, which delighted us, as we’re nothing if not poor. Besides registered sex offenders. We often feign diabetes at lunch time so people will buy us Mars Bars ™, that’s how poor we’re talking. And it works too! Alright, once. Then they asked for the money every day until we stopped going to work, so they would stop asking us for the money.

The point is, we will be undertaking a review of DC Universe  Online for the Sony ® PlayStation 3 ™ home console computer system for free, making a morbidly obese character with fart powers, and farting on people who payed for the £200 lifetime subscription. Farter_Sniffmaass, Gaseous-Gay and FlatulentBrown are all possible names. Comment with YOUR suggestions!

We’ll keep you posted.

3DS UNSUITABLE FOR USE BY ANYONE

An update? That actually justifies use of the ‘3DS’ tag?

The Sun newspaper have undertaken a scientific experiment, probing the safety of the 3DS.

The opening scene of an innumerable amount of German “mature domination” pornography. The dialogue is the usual European raunch:

Jorgen: It’s my testicles, doctor, I found a lump on them.
Doctor: Well, that could be very serious. Pop your trousers and pants off and let’s take a look.
Jorgen: What do you think doctor?
Doctor: Yes, your testicles ARE very swollen. When was the last time you emptied them?
Jorgen: Oh heavens! Doctor Cooper, I…
Doctor: My prescription is SUCK MUMMY’S FINGER!
Jorgen: MMM…
Doctor: Make it wet, next it’s going UP YOUR DICK!

Sometimes we feel we go too far.

We assume there was a scene where they moved out to the car, and the cross eyes indicate Dr Cooper is below frame receiving the vinegar shot. Maybe they were just in the car, with no continuity, doing a different position all of a sudden. Porns do that sometimes, presumably when they get kicked out of a location before having filmed the cum-shot.

Just one more image left, you can do it!

“Seriously though Jorgen,” the doctor said softly, tugging the last globules of semen from the man’s phallus, letting the droplets fall, like snowflakes onto her ample bosom, “this could be testicular microlithiasis. Come back on Monday for a test.”

Also, is he playing it whilst walking down the street?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3511602/Sun-tests-sickly-Nintendo-3DS.html

Here’s a link to their factually questionable article, which by acknowledging, frees us from facing any potential litigious action. Hopefully.

Resident Weeaboo

As we all know by now, everything good in our world comes from the island nation of Japan. Everything. From video games to Japanese women to toxic nuclear waste capable of travelling the entire world, it all originates in the land of the rising sun.

Today, I intend to discuss another product of the only country that matters since ours became a third world slum. This time, it will be Anime.

Yes, anime, like the disgusting little Japanophile I am. Now you may think anime refers to your favourite childhood shows, Pokémon, Digimon and Dragonball Z. And you’d be right, because those are brilliant. However, that is what’s known as “mainstream” in the indie-chic world of Japanese Animation. This rant was inspired by a show which I saw mere hours ago, and have still only seen the first episode of. “Kore wa Zombie desu ka?”, which I believe translates to “Korean Zombie Desk car”.

The first few moments before the opening theme, the anime seems fairly normal. The main character walks out of his home, casually telling a girl who is dressed in full battle-armour that he is leaving. Then he goes to school and has a fairly normal day.

After school, our protagonist then begins the walk home. So far, fairly generic stuff, right? Nothing you haven’t seen in your typical harem bullshit.

Then he see’s a little cat about to get hit by a van! Our dashing hero charges out, determined to see this cat survive. He leaps into action!

Fairly heroic, you might think. But then it hits you. “Hang on, our strapping cat-saviour is about to be hit by that truck. He’ll Die!”. And that would make sense, if this were not an anime. However, as it is, this happens instead. Everything goes in slow motion, the truck almost hits our hero, who turns toward the camera and reveals.

Oh Japan, if any other country tried to make this nonsense, they’d fall on their arses because of the sheer absurdity.(We’re looking at you, China. Growing economy or not, you’re not nearly crazy enough to make this shit up).

This is just the beginning however, all this has happened before the show’s opening theme has even played, there’s still so much more ground to cover, and I’m already approaching 400 words.

Following the opening scene, we are quickly given the following plot summary.

So after all this nonsense is over, you might feel you have a basic grasp of what’s going on. You don’t, shut up!

We are then introduced to a character, who’s name escapes me at the moment and I care not to look it up, while our leading man is hanging around in a graveyard(because he’s a zombie, you know). This young girl then leaps towards our protagonist, pink chainsaw in hand, and nearly slices him in half. Before he has time to respond to this however, he is impaled by the claws of a giant bear.

Now, this is running on a bit, so I’ll skip the majority of the episode with a brief summary. The main character absorbs the girl’s superpowers(aka. how to wear a pink dress and wield a chainsaw) and then is stalked by a scary looking motherfucker. The aforementioned motherfucker then confronts him in the classroom. Here is our hero’s first real battle, but wait…the guy is transforming! What is this?!

That’s right, he’s a giant lobster, why the fuck not? So as you might imagine, our hero easily defeats the villainous lobster, but is blown outside the school window in doing so, and all his classmates see him in his pink dress and with his giant chainsaw. Now this has happened to us all at some point, but when it happened to me, it was before the days of cell phones, so my classmates weren’t able to take pictures at least. He, however, was less fortunate. And the episode ends.

Let this almost 700 word rant tell you everything you need to know about the Japanese and their brilliance. This is the antiquince, signing off.