The Wagglan Giant

What’s this? An actual blog post? after almost a full month of inactivity? Yes. Shut up.

Now, keeping with our “tag every post with 3DS” theme, I’d like to talk today about Nintendo. Not the 3DS, of course, don’t be absurd. I’m going to talk about the rumoured new console to be announced at E3.

Now, aside from the fact that the rumours are definitely true because they mentioned they were working on it at LAST E3 meaning the rumours are probably accurate about it being announced, there are some flaws that keep popping up in them.

The console will not feature a controller with an HD screen in it. That is expensive, silly and pointless. Nintendo aren’t Microsoft so those things aren’t selling points to them. You’d have to be a big enough chump to trade a ps3 for a 360 to believe that kind of rumour.

Another rumour is that it will “be made to bring back the hardcore gamer”, this I approve of, of course, if only to spite the casuals. “Why can’t I play cooking mama and the secret rings?” they’ll ask. “Because Mario Zelda Kirby Donkey Kong, bitch”

“But all those games were on the wii”, you’ll reply. “But you’re a cunt” I’ll respond.

Now I could rant on and on about how gaming in the past was much better than it is today, like gaming was Britain or something. And I will!

Did you grow up in the 80s or 90s? Then surely you’ll know that 2D platformers are far better than generic WWII sims right? Where every game has you control a camera with a gun taped on shooting the bad guys?

-This does not apply if you grew up in the 80s or 90s but started playing games in the ps2 era because Grand Theft Auto. You’re part of the problem, go away.

One final point I’d like to discuss is the name. Now I know the rumours are baseless as it is, and even if PROJECT CAFE or WII HD are really leaked from nintendo and not made up by neckbeards, they’ll still only be codenames for the system. Project DOLPHIN was real, after all.

Call it the Super Wii, Nintendo, you know you want to.

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Resident Weeaboo

As we all know by now, everything good in our world comes from the island nation of Japan. Everything. From video games to Japanese women to toxic nuclear waste capable of travelling the entire world, it all originates in the land of the rising sun.

Today, I intend to discuss another product of the only country that matters since ours became a third world slum. This time, it will be Anime.

Yes, anime, like the disgusting little Japanophile I am. Now you may think anime refers to your favourite childhood shows, Pokémon, Digimon and Dragonball Z. And you’d be right, because those are brilliant. However, that is what’s known as “mainstream” in the indie-chic world of Japanese Animation. This rant was inspired by a show which I saw mere hours ago, and have still only seen the first episode of. “Kore wa Zombie desu ka?”, which I believe translates to “Korean Zombie Desk car”.

The first few moments before the opening theme, the anime seems fairly normal. The main character walks out of his home, casually telling a girl who is dressed in full battle-armour that he is leaving. Then he goes to school and has a fairly normal day.

After school, our protagonist then begins the walk home. So far, fairly generic stuff, right? Nothing you haven’t seen in your typical harem bullshit.

Then he see’s a little cat about to get hit by a van! Our dashing hero charges out, determined to see this cat survive. He leaps into action!

Fairly heroic, you might think. But then it hits you. “Hang on, our strapping cat-saviour is about to be hit by that truck. He’ll Die!”. And that would make sense, if this were not an anime. However, as it is, this happens instead. Everything goes in slow motion, the truck almost hits our hero, who turns toward the camera and reveals.

Oh Japan, if any other country tried to make this nonsense, they’d fall on their arses because of the sheer absurdity.(We’re looking at you, China. Growing economy or not, you’re not nearly crazy enough to make this shit up).

This is just the beginning however, all this has happened before the show’s opening theme has even played, there’s still so much more ground to cover, and I’m already approaching 400 words.

Following the opening scene, we are quickly given the following plot summary.

So after all this nonsense is over, you might feel you have a basic grasp of what’s going on. You don’t, shut up!

We are then introduced to a character, who’s name escapes me at the moment and I care not to look it up, while our leading man is hanging around in a graveyard(because he’s a zombie, you know). This young girl then leaps towards our protagonist, pink chainsaw in hand, and nearly slices him in half. Before he has time to respond to this however, he is impaled by the claws of a giant bear.

Now, this is running on a bit, so I’ll skip the majority of the episode with a brief summary. The main character absorbs the girl’s superpowers(aka. how to wear a pink dress and wield a chainsaw) and then is stalked by a scary looking motherfucker. The aforementioned motherfucker then confronts him in the classroom. Here is our hero’s first real battle, but wait…the guy is transforming! What is this?!

That’s right, he’s a giant lobster, why the fuck not? So as you might imagine, our hero easily defeats the villainous lobster, but is blown outside the school window in doing so, and all his classmates see him in his pink dress and with his giant chainsaw. Now this has happened to us all at some point, but when it happened to me, it was before the days of cell phones, so my classmates weren’t able to take pictures at least. He, however, was less fortunate. And the episode ends.

Let this almost 700 word rant tell you everything you need to know about the Japanese and their brilliance. This is the antiquince, signing off.

Waluigi’s Forest

Greetings!

Now, before we go any further, let me introduce myself. I am Minimum Antiquince, the Maximum Quince of a parallel universe, that emerged from Waluigi’s Forest. Despite being his opposite in every conceivable way(and a horrible concept that will alienate the fans), we will have the same opinion on most subjects, the same sense of humour and largely be the same person, minus a few noticable writing differences.
Now, one area in which we vary are our levels of weaboo. I’m afraid I’m much closer to Youtube.co.uk’s own prodigal son, Soulless01475 than Maximum Quince himself. That said, I’ve never marched 38 people into a small restaurant without a reservation and demanded service. That would be horrible.

Now, let’s talk about what we’re all really wanting to discuss. The decline of our country and it’s people.

Now, as you definitely know because the only people that will ever read this are real-life friends of the authors (and MOM!) is that we, the writers of this delightful blog, live in the family friendly(if your family are knives) city of Glasgow, in Scotland.

Yes, Glasgow, The second city of the Empire. The Empire which controlled 1/4 of the entire world. We spread decency, civilisation, knowledge and decency all over the world. And we did it in style, we wore bowler hats and had moustaches, twirled our canes while we tamed the wild world and even in battle, wore red shirts so that our blood wouldn’t get them messy, and we could still look fabulous.(read on, Kenneth, you might learn something)

But the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Our once proud nation has been reduced to knife crime, teen pregnancy and the Jeremy Kyle show. The very things our ancestors tried to prevent in our conquests of Africa and the New World. Our fall from grace, like everything else we do, was the biggest and best in known history. The following videos will show what we were, and what we are now, far more aptly than any amount of my writing.
From our past glory(accompanied by Snow Patrol)

and now,a short video, highlighting the current state of our once proud nation.

This sums up the decline of our nation. What can we do to change our nation from the muddy, slimey little pit it has become, to it’s former might and glory? Well short of letting it die completely, reincarnate as a trashcan robot then somehow be brought back to life with all it’s problems magically solved, I don’t know.


-we all wish we were. Please Britain, be Clannadman.