As we all know by now, everything good in our world comes from the island nation of Japan. Everything. From video games to Japanese women to toxic nuclear waste capable of travelling the entire world, it all originates in the land of the rising sun.
Today, I intend to discuss another product of the only country that matters since ours became a third world slum. This time, it will be Anime.
Yes, anime, like the disgusting little Japanophile I am. Now you may think anime refers to your favourite childhood shows, Pokémon, Digimon and Dragonball Z. And you’d be right, because those are brilliant. However, that is what’s known as “mainstream” in the indie-chic world of Japanese Animation. This rant was inspired by a show which I saw mere hours ago, and have still only seen the first episode of. “Kore wa Zombie desu ka?”, which I believe translates to “Korean Zombie Desk car”.
The first few moments before the opening theme, the anime seems fairly normal. The main character walks out of his home, casually telling a girl who is dressed in full battle-armour that he is leaving. Then he goes to school and has a fairly normal day.
After school, our protagonist then begins the walk home. So far, fairly generic stuff, right? Nothing you haven’t seen in your typical harem bullshit.
Then he see’s a little cat about to get hit by a van! Our dashing hero charges out, determined to see this cat survive. He leaps into action!
Fairly heroic, you might think. But then it hits you. “Hang on, our strapping cat-saviour is about to be hit by that truck. He’ll Die!”. And that would make sense, if this were not an anime. However, as it is, this happens instead. Everything goes in slow motion, the truck almost hits our hero, who turns toward the camera and reveals.
Oh Japan, if any other country tried to make this nonsense, they’d fall on their arses because of the sheer absurdity.(We’re looking at you, China. Growing economy or not, you’re not nearly crazy enough to make this shit up).
This is just the beginning however, all this has happened before the show’s opening theme has even played, there’s still so much more ground to cover, and I’m already approaching 400 words.
Following the opening scene, we are quickly given the following plot summary.
So after all this nonsense is over, you might feel you have a basic grasp of what’s going on. You don’t, shut up!
We are then introduced to a character, who’s name escapes me at the moment and I care not to look it up, while our leading man is hanging around in a graveyard(because he’s a zombie, you know). This young girl then leaps towards our protagonist, pink chainsaw in hand, and nearly slices him in half. Before he has time to respond to this however, he is impaled by the claws of a giant bear.
Now, this is running on a bit, so I’ll skip the majority of the episode with a brief summary. The main character absorbs the girl’s superpowers(aka. how to wear a pink dress and wield a chainsaw) and then is stalked by a scary looking motherfucker. The aforementioned motherfucker then confronts him in the classroom. Here is our hero’s first real battle, but wait…the guy is transforming! What is this?!
That’s right, he’s a giant lobster, why the fuck not? So as you might imagine, our hero easily defeats the villainous lobster, but is blown outside the school window in doing so, and all his classmates see him in his pink dress and with his giant chainsaw. Now this has happened to us all at some point, but when it happened to me, it was before the days of cell phones, so my classmates weren’t able to take pictures at least. He, however, was less fortunate. And the episode ends.
Let this almost 700 word rant tell you everything you need to know about the Japanese and their brilliance. This is the antiquince, signing off.