The Wagglan Giant

What’s this? An actual blog post? after almost a full month of inactivity? Yes. Shut up.

Now, keeping with our “tag every post with 3DS” theme, I’d like to talk today about Nintendo. Not the 3DS, of course, don’t be absurd. I’m going to talk about the rumoured new console to be announced at E3.

Now, aside from the fact that the rumours are definitely true because they mentioned they were working on it at LAST E3 meaning the rumours are probably accurate about it being announced, there are some flaws that keep popping up in them.

The console will not feature a controller with an HD screen in it. That is expensive, silly and pointless. Nintendo aren’t Microsoft so those things aren’t selling points to them. You’d have to be a big enough chump to trade a ps3 for a 360 to believe that kind of rumour.

Another rumour is that it will “be made to bring back the hardcore gamer”, this I approve of, of course, if only to spite the casuals. “Why can’t I play cooking mama and the secret rings?” they’ll ask. “Because Mario Zelda Kirby Donkey Kong, bitch”

“But all those games were on the wii”, you’ll reply. “But you’re a cunt” I’ll respond.

Now I could rant on and on about how gaming in the past was much better than it is today, like gaming was Britain or something. And I will!

Did you grow up in the 80s or 90s? Then surely you’ll know that 2D platformers are far better than generic WWII sims right? Where every game has you control a camera with a gun taped on shooting the bad guys?

-This does not apply if you grew up in the 80s or 90s but started playing games in the ps2 era because Grand Theft Auto. You’re part of the problem, go away.

One final point I’d like to discuss is the name. Now I know the rumours are baseless as it is, and even if PROJECT CAFE or WII HD are really leaked from nintendo and not made up by neckbeards, they’ll still only be codenames for the system. Project DOLPHIN was real, after all.

Call it the Super Wii, Nintendo, you know you want to.

3DS UNSUITABLE FOR USE BY ANYONE

An update? That actually justifies use of the ‘3DS’ tag?

The Sun newspaper have undertaken a scientific experiment, probing the safety of the 3DS.

The opening scene of an innumerable amount of German “mature domination” pornography. The dialogue is the usual European raunch:

Jorgen: It’s my testicles, doctor, I found a lump on them.
Doctor: Well, that could be very serious. Pop your trousers and pants off and let’s take a look.
Jorgen: What do you think doctor?
Doctor: Yes, your testicles ARE very swollen. When was the last time you emptied them?
Jorgen: Oh heavens! Doctor Cooper, I…
Doctor: My prescription is SUCK MUMMY’S FINGER!
Jorgen: MMM…
Doctor: Make it wet, next it’s going UP YOUR DICK!

Sometimes we feel we go too far.

We assume there was a scene where they moved out to the car, and the cross eyes indicate Dr Cooper is below frame receiving the vinegar shot. Maybe they were just in the car, with no continuity, doing a different position all of a sudden. Porns do that sometimes, presumably when they get kicked out of a location before having filmed the cum-shot.

Just one more image left, you can do it!

“Seriously though Jorgen,” the doctor said softly, tugging the last globules of semen from the man’s phallus, letting the droplets fall, like snowflakes onto her ample bosom, “this could be testicular microlithiasis. Come back on Monday for a test.”

Also, is he playing it whilst walking down the street?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3511602/Sun-tests-sickly-Nintendo-3DS.html

Here’s a link to their factually questionable article, which by acknowledging, frees us from facing any potential litigious action. Hopefully.

BAN THIS DICK FILTH

Didactic moralizing. That’s how we’ll get popular!

Didactic moralizing and “memes” that were never very popular in the first place. That’s how we’ll get popular.

Saints Row: The Third is a sick computerized rape simulation that teaches your children to have sex with gimp prostitutes, then beat them to death with disgustingly oversized male genitals (penis and testicles), and KILLING THEM to get your money back in order to score “bonus points”.

The twisted rape simulation also shows a man-whore who is being kept alive and is forced to masturbate over the carnage, while images of naked children intermittently flash on screen.

The Japanese game has been announced after the disaster ravaged country sent toxic nuclear gas through the cracks of BROKEN BRITAIN. Only our MPs can stop this paedo filth from doing the same.